My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
You Might Also Like
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
How I’d get arrested…
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Kids forever killing vibes 💀