I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!