4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..