Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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when there are deer in the woods
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
this is how life feels
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Good morning, Twitter x
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house