Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Grandmother clock.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?