captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
*puts words between two asterisks*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.