PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing