I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
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My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
LMAO.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Botany good plants lately?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Ken is short for chicken
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Always
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?