Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
“you changed” bro i was 15
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this