I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
This is a true ally.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow