My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!