Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
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I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
there’s probably a fee though
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
incredible book dedication
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.