A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
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Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd