Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
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A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Mistakes were made
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: