Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
me logging onto twitter
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.