PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!