[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me as a therapist: omg same
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere