I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he鈥檚 making brownies and we鈥檙e about to watch a movie together.
I don鈥檛 even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don鈥檛 catch him anytime soon.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
it鈥檚 so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
馃槀馃槀
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
A man of commitment.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?