“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.