THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
SPLOOT
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?