the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
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Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.