I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
shampoo implies shampee
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.