[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Oops
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.