[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?