[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
You are not alone 💚
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”