I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes