I’ve named my couch American Idle.
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook