*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
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Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!