I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.