[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?