I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
You Might Also Like
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Boating season is upon us.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I’m calling the cops.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine