I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “Davidâ not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says Iâm okay, but I feel like Iâve dyed a little inside.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: Thatâs beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No youâre right thatâs better. Carlâs is better.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I donât even know the song but I know youâre rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
EMOTICON GUIDE
đ I’m happy
đ Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
đ I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
This story is comedy gold đ
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, âcomedian.â
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
If youâre drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
âDaddy I lost my popsicleâ and other terrifying things my kids say.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think weâve made a lot of progress here today.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change