They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
are there any atheist mantises?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.