A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls