Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me