My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
black phone good
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons