Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Put this video in the Louvre
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said