Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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when mom throws a party…
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Brands during Pride
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf