I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Finally!
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Growing out my freckles.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
My dog after a walk in the woods.