TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.