Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
What
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.