losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Terribly Tuesday.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence