*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
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Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.