[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
You Might Also Like
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Match dot com, but for socks.
The happy life.. 😊
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad