My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
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He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.