12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You Might Also Like
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.