They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
definitely did not do anything wrong
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.