Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!