What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Storm Tropical Storm
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.