Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Does this dress make me look cat?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.